Author: Quinn

Review: Dude, You’re Gonna Be a Dad!

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Dude, You’re Gonna Be a Dad! by John Pfeiffer
^Affiliate link to purchase the book. I get a small %^

If you’re reading this post you are either:

  1. Going to be a future parent and expecting a baby.
  2. Have someone in your life that is going to be a future parent and you want to buy them something useful
  3. Confused and unsure why you are here.

Either way, I’ll give you my review of the book, Dude You’re Gonna Be a Dad.

Grade: B+, I would recommend it

I am new to reading parenting books (haven’t even read What to Expect When You’re Expecting yet), but Dude You’re Gonna Be a Dad was a combination of entertaining, insightful, and quick. In a world where parenting books are typically focused on the person birthing the baby, this was a nice perspective change to see things that I might be feeling in my role as the future dad.

I felt that it actually had some good pieces of information related to the birthing process, what to expect from the person carrying the baby, some of the medical terms you will hear, and also some complications that might arise.

Disclaimer…Some parts of the book were:
– A bit outdated, written about 10 years ago
– A bit sexist, but there is also acknowledgement of changing stereotypes of gender roles and the expectations for the “dad”.
– Rude in the way it described certain women.

I think some of the word choices were very much done on purpose to appeal to the “man’s man” that might typically not pick up a book. So in some ways the sometimes sexist tone balanced with acknowledgement of changing roles is beneficial to get someone who might be set in their ways to see new ways of thinking and acting. If you’re willing to see past those you can still get good information from the book and definitely a few chuckles as well.

The book is broken down into a few different sections including the varying differences in the three trimesters, post-birth, and others about managing relationships, sex-life, family dynamics, and the future joys and difficulties of parenting.

Good, quick read.

Buy the book here: Dude, You’re Gonna Be a Dad! by John Pfeiffer
^Affiliate link to purchase the book. I get a small %^

Wheel – a poem

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A poem by @loveyou.quinn for the stumbles on the imperfect path of life.

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Oops, I tripped
On that crack in the sidewalk.
I had even seen it coming
As I step step stepped closer

A root beneath the concrete
Growing in all directions
Displacing the laid foundation
Slow slow slowly until it’s fast

Walk to trip
Trip to fall
Fall to get up
Get up to repeat

Leading Woman – Trophy – a poem (part 3)

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Part 3 of a multi-perspective free verse poem series called Trophy. It explores how perception can change depending on the viewer.

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Read Part 1
Read Part 2

“Oh, it’s nothing
I wish I could hide that.”

Hearing him in the other room
Downplaying an achievement.
It made me roll my eyes
And smile.

The trophy had to be displayed.
He’d worked so hard
With so much effort
For years.

You’re bound to get lost
In a search for meaning
Community
Family
Self.

A spouse is a map
For your soul
When you get lost.

“I’m so proud of him.”

House Guest – Trophy (part 2)

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Part 2 of a multi-perspective free verse poem series called Trophy. It explores how perception can change depending on the viewer.

Comment with thoughts. Subscribe for more. Follow @loveyou.quinn Instagram

Read Part 1
Once you finish Part 2 below, check out Part 3

I caught it with the corner of my eye
As I walked into the room.

An unintentional gaze.
After the first glance
I had to have a second.

“Is that your trophy?”
I asked. Intrigued. Interested.
Seeking inspiration
On my own journey.

“Oh, it’s nothing,
I wish I could hide that.”
His reply saying more than just those words.

A scent of lost passion.
Outshined the metal.
His soul too lost
In a search for purpose?

“I’m so proud of him!”
Came a reply from his heroine
As she entered the room
And his heart.

A story of achievement shared.
Eyes brightened.
A soul less lost than a minute before.

“Congratulations!”

Trophy – a poem (part 1)

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Part 1 of a multi-perspective free verse poem series called Trophy. It explores how perception can change depending on the viewer.

Comment with thoughts. Subscribe for more. Follow @loveyou.quinn Instagram

Read Part 2
Read Part 3

Congratulations!
First place!

Here’s the trophy you’ve been working towards
With so much effort
For years.

Is this what you wanted?
A piece of dust-collecting metal
To sit on your shelf.

The unintentional gaze from a house guest
Can’t fill up the recognition and self worth
That was so desired.

A sculpted chunk of earth in lieu of friends
Community
Family
Self.

First place.
Congratulations.

think and think and think – a poem

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A free verse poem about overthinking and the games we play in our mind.

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Darkness has been a loyal friend
Sitting in my vacant head
While I lay on my bed
waiting waiting waiting
For a changing of my thread

The thread that tied me together
Kept me under the weather.
Will new fabric make me feel better
Or will the unraveling of one
Lead to the binding of another?

Just one disguise on another.
think and think and think
Ponder changes that would make life sweeter.
Avoid action and end up tasting bitter.
Candy loses its taste too quickly.

It’s safe in the darkness.
No conflict to bear.
Excuses seem fair.
My conscience is clear.
Just peace.

Peace and time.

Time
So present and so future in the same moment.
Complaining when 5 minutes is wasted by others
Forgetting when 10 years is wasted by me.

If I think long enough I’ll do nothing.
Is that true?
Hmm maybe I should go back to my room for a few.
Think that one through.
A quick pro/con should do.

Todaydream

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The world of tomorrow, as seen through today’s lens.
To daydream. Today dream. Today…dream.

I wake up around 7. I come back from the dream world naturally, without panic or stress. A few years ago I moved on from the incessant buzzing and ringing that I would reset every 8 minutes for 1.5 hours until I felt worthless and lazy. No use starting the day with disappointment. Now I listen to my body like my wife listens to Taylor Swift.

I leave a kiss on the forehead that is gently laid across my chest. I slowly move her head to the pillow while she asks me, “Where are you going?” as if this didn’t happen every day. I still answer like it’s the first time. 

I walk to the kitchen in search of a glass of water. The floor is cold on my feet as I walk without the cushion of socks. My senses slowly stretch their arms as they awaken to a new day. I make my way to the couch, grab a blanket and pillow for unneeded security, and take a peek out the window to enjoy that day’s weather with the light switch still in the ‘off’ position. There’s an intimacy and peace watching nature go through its existence simultaneously awake and asleep.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Sometimes I forget.

—

I get off the couch, turn the warm glow of the kitchen lights on very dim, just enough to see. I have a bite to eat because I always wake up hungry. Probably some granola, oat milk, and fresh blueberries. I walk to the cupboard, open it up, and grab the bag of coffee beans that I bought in Mexico City because I liked the label. I’m a coffee convert since the pandemic in 2020. I open the bag and take a whiff. Then another. Sometimes I’ll take a third just for good luck. I like the smell. Sue me. I pour the beans in the grinder, dump them in the french press creating a faint echo as I tap the side bing bing bing bing bing. I slowly pour the water in circles while trying to act like I know what I’m doing, even though I have literally no clue and I’m the only one in the room. My imposter syndrome seeps into my barista identity. I like the ritual.

Around 11:00, I walk 5 minutes from my home to my art studio that I share with 4 creative and energetic friends. I sit on the couch with my coffee from home, still full in the thermos that somehow seems to make liquids hotter by the minute so that I can only touch it to my lips for the next 3 hours taking caution to avoid a scalding sip. My friends might already be on the couch, or I’ll just wait for them to arrive while I read a book. Before dropping into work we all come to the couch for 30 minutes to catch up on our lives, share stories, and be present with each other. I used to thoughtlessly jump from bed to work without any human interaction. No more. You’d be surprised how fulfillment finds you when you find time for others.

I then go into my section of the studio. I’ve partitioned it enough to provide privacy and quiet while still inviting air, light, and friends to flow if they so desire. I put my headphones on, most of the time with no music, and begin to create. Each day may be a different project: writing, music, painting, art installation, investments, business. I sit here uninterrupted for about 2 hours before I break. I wander the studio and take a look at what others are working on. We chat and I tell them about what I’ve been doing. We might decide to keep collaborating, or we might go our separate ways again after just 10 seconds. 

I leave the studio, hop on the Vespa and ride 9 minutes down the street to the boutique hotel my wife owns. She’s usually in the lobby lounge talking to guests, vendors, or staff. You can hear her laugh from down the street. It makes me smile without even realizing it. I walk inside and try my best not to interrupt the intimate bond that my wife can form in minutes, turning a first interaction into a best friend as if they had known each other since birth. She peels away, promising her new best friend she’ll see them again soon. She won’t break the promise. We walk back home to grab some lunch and catch up on our days so far. Good, bad, struggles, wins. 

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Sometimes we forget.

—

I live on a multi-unit collective with four of my closest friends, their partners, and their newly forming families. A strong foundation is forming for our version of “extended family”. We are far enough from the city so that the fact we have a “yard” isn’t seen as pretentious. Still close enough that a late night Uber is tempting, but not mandatory. We each have our own separate spaces but share a kitchen, lounge, garden, and common chores. Everything we “have” doesn’t need to be kept for ourselves. If our living situation can be just a fraction of what you hear small villages are like in the Italian countryside, then it will be a life well lived. 

A few years ago we all tired of our apartment buildings full of people and amenities, yet empty of spontaneous human interaction. We were putting more effort into avoiding an elevator ride with a neighbor than in calling our grandmother to say hello. A knock on the front door used to be an invitation to hide until the intrusive knuckle pounder gave up and left. The millennial version of a knock knock joke just stops at the “Knock knock”. We’d rather not know, “Who’s there?”

Life was beginning to feel like those times when you’ve been doom scrolling for 1 hour and to get over the shock and disappointment of how long you’ve been on social media, you have to doom scroll for 1 more hour because stopping to accomplish just 50% of a daily task is worse that not even starting it. At least if you didn’t start it you can’t fail. Right? Finally, the hole you’ve purposely dug is getting so deep that the sunlight is getting harder and harder to see. I’ve been climbing out ever since. Slipping too. But mostly climbing. It’s easier to climb when you have a hand to pull you up on the tough parts. A hand that’s not yours. A hand that expects nothing but your hand in return. 

Tuesday nights are Listening Hours. The community gathers for our version of an open mic. It’s not a pitch competition or a plea for Instagram followers. Just listen. There are no expectations other than to share you as you are today. Perform your songs that only have 20 seconds completed. Pass around the sculpture of a hummingbird that is just a rectangular block of clay you bought earlier that day. Put forth a plan for letting go of “only I can do it,” so your startup team can grow from 1 to 2. Preview the rough cut of your new documentary trailer. Present the life lessons that were shared by the stray cat you met on the street near the laundromat. Just listen. And support. And rejoice. Your confidence in sharing adds another layer to each of the listener’s defense against, “I’m not good enough”. Perfection is its current form. 

When I lay down to sleep, I’m not even worried if I have dreams or not. I’ll wake up to my dream.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Goodnight.

Always There – a poem

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A free verse poem about our desire to put things in boxes and see only one perspective.

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You may think, “It’s not sunny today.”
The Sun is always there.

Maybe you just can’t see it
reflecting sparkles into the lake.

Those dreary days tempting us
to meet its gaze of melancholy.

Do you ever feel like the Sun;
Infinite existences but with a world caring only about one?

Behind clouds you are ignored, cursed.
Can you not bring light without being seen?

The Sun is still there, even on a cloudy day,
always shining.

Maybe you just can’t feel it,
The warmth upon your gentle skin.

Those winter moments where frigid air
slips through the edges of the sliding door

Daring you to scream out “Sun, oh Sun send me heat.”
But it stays quiet.

That blanket will do, as will cozy fires,
or a cup of hot chamomile.

The Sun is there, even on a cold afternoon,
always warming.

Maybe you just can’t experience it.
That glow turning leafs from green to gold.

Those colorless sunsets wrought with grief
like a sob that peels your soul.

Searching for a drop
Red
Yellow
Orange
Pink
Not tonight.

That monochromatic masterpiece is just as beautiful
and brave.

The Sun is still there, even on a dull gray night,
always glowing.

Perfection, the imperfect measuring stick

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I have been in perfectionist hell for much too long. I am only just realizing it and I am trying to break free.

In almost everything I have done I have had a fear of sharing with others until I felt I had perfected whatever it was I needed to complete. There are some elements of Imposter Syndrome that cause this in me, but we explore that in another post.

I had a breaking point recently where a lot of my fears, insecurities, and weaknesses were thrown in my face. Although seeing your weaknesses is daunting, it is even more gratifying and refreshing to start uncovering the positive opportunities that are tangled.

A few weeks ago my wife shared a newsletter with me from Holisticism. The first sentence gave me enough inspiration to write for 30 minutes straight with no stops. Here are some of the key points as I am starting to explore my internal fears that lead me to use perfection as my imperfect measuring stick.

Have you had similar experiences, fears, or effects of trying to be “perfect”?

It’s impossible to be perfect (drats.), and when you realize that fact you can unclench your butthole and make more things with less preciousness. (bc perfectionism keeps us in a riptide of stasis)

~Holisticism newsletter

Time to unclench that butthole.

A “riptide of stasis” has been my home for awhile now.

The consequences of perfectionism for me seem to be:

  • Waiting to share / build community until reaching a certain level of achievement
  • Difficulty acknowledging and celebrating small wins
  • Cycle of burnout and loss of consistent joy
  • Over-preparing to avoid a weak appearance
  • The feeling of being in debt to anyone that shows me recognition or interest

I’ll break down a couple of these.

Waiting to share until reaching a certain level of achievement

As a first step to sharing, here are things I am working on. Let me know if you want to collaborate:

  • Giving Bag
  • Creating a fashion line
  • Repurposing packaging into art
  • Content creation
  • Music production and performance
  • Poker and Risk
  • Charitable work
  • Financial education/investing
  • Learning Farsi
  • Birds
  • Open a secretive lounge or bar. Shhh!
  • Making fresh juice in the morning
  • Wandering cobblestone streets
  • Turning my house into a rental
  • Going to Alaska
  • Practicing yoga and meditation

These activities bring me joy, but many times I let my joyful experiences get clouded by over-protecting myself from outside influence.

Whether it has been conscious or not, it seems I have felt that the outside influence when talking about my interests will be detrimental to the end product since I’m not an expert, when in reality the influence of others is more likely to enhance productivity and joy. I isolate interests and passions from others and as a result I rarely get to a point where I can share anything at all. Even my closest friends would be surprised by some of this list.

When I actually get to a point where I feel comfortable sharing it is far later than it should be and I’m already at or past a point of burnout.

I want to start collaborating with people who have similar interests. I no longer want to do everything on my own like before.

Burnout

I’ve hit burnout roughly 6 times in my life. All have been related to work, but only about half were from my full-time job. The rest of the burnout experiences came directly form my side-hustles and personal interests that I kept to myself, as described above. I pressured myself to “work” and perform, rather than allowing myself to invite in consistent joy.

It is a simple change of reference. The actions I take on a daily basis are not drastically different, but my mindset flips from performance standards to finding moments of joy and gratitude.

The term “burnout” came from an American psychologist named Herbert Freudenberger who said burnout was the consequence of severe stress and high ideals (National Library of Medicine).

Psychology Today mentions that, “The cynicism, depression, and lethargy that are characteristic of burnout most often occur when a person is not in control of how a job is carried out, at work or at home, or is asked to complete tasks that conflict with their sense of self.” Bolded for extra emphasis.

The confusing part, although I work extremely hard during my full-time jobs and have high quality output, I still have been able to achieve positive work life balance. During my time at TINT, I had high respect for each of my “bosses” and felt truly cared about. I rarely felt out of control.

There must be a different boss that is controlling how I am living my life. I am that boss. I am putting the pressure on myself. There are some deep seated beliefs and insecurities somewhere in my brain that I’m just starting to acknowledge and recognize.

I put so much energy into my jobs to obtain a sense of achievement (based on my “paycheck measuring stick”) that I have so little energy left over for my other passions. This is the problem. I overachieve for others and then am forced to underachieve on my personal interests. There’s something going on with my sense of self worth or ego that is prioritizing putting too much energy into endeavors where I get immediate approval from others.

There’s nothing wrong with doing things that are not your passion. We have to do that to survive in this world. And it’s good to be of service to others. But I need to better control how I save energy for my personal passions.

Losing control of this energy distribution spirals into disappointment, demotivation, and depression. Which then creates large peaks of productivity and the deep valleys of exhaustion, both while isolating myself from broader communities, thus creating a perpetuating cycle.

The Joy Report Card

I am slowly starting to change my life “report card” from money-based to joy-based. Measuring achievement based on joy is difficult because you cannot just look at your bank account to see how much joy you have earned in the past month.

I have memories of the joy I’m trying to invite in more. Many of them revolve around the removal of work stress, adventuring, exploring new places, not having to think and stress about money. I also find joy and energy from being around kind, inspiring people that are motivated to be their best self.

  • Exploring Thailand on a scooter
  • Sitting at the hidden Fabrique Bakery in Hoxton
  • Burning Man
  • Blanco White concerts
  • Hearty laughter with friends

How does the Joy Report Card work? Well like all things, it is not perfect but I will share (go me!).

Step 1: Write down a list of 5 things that bring you joy on a weekly basis. You can add more if you would like but it is helpful to start simple. For example it could be:

  • Eating dinner with your partner
  • Moving my body for 10 minutes
  • Reading a book
  • Making a smoothie
  • Calling a friend
  • Turning your phone off

It can be anything that allows you space to find joy and reduce any type of weight that might be on you. I have found that a larger goal like “moving to a new city” is not the most helpful on your report card. Focus on the smaller steps that can get you there.

Step 2: After you have your list, do a quick review of how often you currently do them in a normal week. That’s your baseline.

Step 3: Every morning, look at your list and see if there are any pockets of time that you can add in the activities that bring you a bit more joy. One key is to try and be kind to yourself if you are not able to consistently add in items from your list.

You want to avoid having the activities that bring you joy, start to to become “activities that stress me out because I am not doing them”. It is okay to go months with just looking at the list and not doing any of them. But over time your brain will rewire to find pockets of time for you and your joyful activities. It is extremely helpful to remind yourself of what makes you joyful because many times we spend our entire day just thinking of the stressful things we have to do.

An object in motion stays in motion. 

Find ways to stay in motion, even if it’s super small.

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p.s. It’s always a work in progress. I should have published this post weeks ago but I kept adjusting.